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Never had a waking
dream myself… I keep hoping. LATIMER by Anselmo Alliegro Galen walks past undulating candy-apple
tulips. The breeze presses against a beautiful girl to make an S, like
Botticelli’s The Birth of Venus. Her long, white cotton dress trails
beside her as she stands beneath a tangerine tree gathering tangerines in a
cornucopia. Pyramidal green mountains rise above the waves and keep watch on
the sun even after it dips behind the sea. The girl turns to gaze at him, amiably
with bright gems. “What is this place?” he asks. “Latimer,” she replies. She turns and runs to the edge of a
cliff and down its precipitous side until the top of her head is veiled by the
tulips. He comes to the edge and sees her far below, traversing a beach toward
a peninsula of rocks where a tall ship waits for her to board it. “Wait! Wait!” he
shouts, staggering down the cliff with an avalanche of rocks. “I must sail into the sun,” she
declares, standing on the deck as the ship drifts away. “Take me with you!” he shouts,
helplessly from the beach. “I can’t,” she says. “I must sail
into the sun.” “What’s in the sun?” he asks. “The truth,” she answers. “What is the truth?” he yells, both
hands cupped against his mouth. He repeats the question many times. She stands silent at the stern,
looking at him as the ship recedes into the sunset. Lastly he waves good-bye and she longingly
waves back. What is the truth? He often wondered
when he woke from the dream. But he thought that perhaps there was no answer,
that it was silly to think so. It’s just a dream, a recurring dream, and a very
amusing one indeed. After all, he thought, if anyone has an answer to this
“truth” it’s the girl in the postcard. It began with a postcard from
Holland; nowhere did it say Latimer. He found it in an old book, and began
using it as a bookmark for his chemistry text. The photograph was pleasant,
depicting a pretty girl in a white dress walking in a field of red tulips, and
a quaint, rustic village as a backdrop with a bay harboring tall ships. The
dream reflected all these things. However, the tangerine tree – with its
sunshine-orange tangerines - was not present in the postcard but very clear in
the dream. Then she appeared, a
counterpart of the girl from Latimer: an echo of a dream. Yet Galen, with his
scientific air, felt shame thinking how phantoms of his sleep could find their
double in the empirical world. She was taking the
footpath again on her way home from class. Galen watched her from a university
window high above; had done so for more than a month, and became familiar with
her daily routine. Then one day he said hello. She said Holland, he thought. She’s
originally from Holland … hmm, what are the chances of that. And she said
Latimer.… Is that what she said? Yes, that it’s in Latimer Street. Will she
show up? What if she doesn’t? If she doesn’t I’ll never see her again – she’ll
give me the slip. Maybe she’s afraid of me … might think I’m weird, coming out
of the blue like that … telling her I’m crazy about her. Oh Ellen, don’t be
such a stiff – no pun intended – be there, please be there … He felt a tugging on his medical coat. One of
the medical students was playing puppeteer with a corpse. A lifeless finger
hooked itself to his pocket. At once he was roused with disgust and shuddered. “Say cheese,” cried a voice, and he
was bathed in a blinding flash. Now he saw a big, bothersome green spot as a
student aimed with his camera. At first the medical students
respected the corpses. Later it all became second nature. Sometimes, in the
professor’s absence, they performed all kinds of elaborate jokes. For Galen it
was no laughing matter. The fluorescent lamps, the cold metal, the corpses, the
smell of formaldehyde: they were all dismal attributes of the lab. Seized by the corpse,
Galen jerked back. The finger slipped off and the arm fell limp, in a most
macabre way, to the side of the metallic table. “Grow up,” said Henry, Galen’s close
friend. He followed Galen out of the lab. “Leave me alone, Henry,” protested
Galen bitterly, tearing off his plastic gloves and opening a faucet. “I don’t
know who I am anymore,” he said, washing his hands vigorously. “I wanted
desperately to be a doctor. But now I hate it, I hate it! I’m sick of the dead
bodies, the tedious lectures, all the damn competition.” “You wanted to help people,
remember? Because it’s an ‘absolute good.’ You’ve made a commitment. What, you
gonna throw it to the wind?” “Why not, maybe I’m not cut out to
be a doctor,” he said, and reached for a paper towel. “Is there something wrong, Galen? I
mean, you’re daydreaming all the time. Just now in fact – you weren’t paying
attention – you were staring out the window. Ey, come back here. Where you
going?” Galen walked under Philadelphia
skyscrapers in defiance of the frozen, merciless wind that blasted and burned
with its sharp teeth. Finally he found a sign, it read: “Latimer.” So it was
true! A coincidence, he thought, an incredible coincidence. I’ve probably read
the sign and just forgotten, then dreamt about it. He walked to nearby 16th
Street and on a long window, in bright, pink neon, he read, “16th
Street Bar & Grill.” The place was elegant
but quaint, with a romantic and leisurely atmosphere. Being thirty minutes
early, he decided to have a drink at the bar. He sat on a stool and stared at
the sparkling bottles and glasses. At a quarter to eight he moved to the dining
area and sat on a small, intimate table for two by a long window. There he
waited for Ellen. Here I am, in Latimer, he mused.
Maybe it’s a big jigsaw puzzle, he imagined, thinking of the postcard. Just need to find the
pieces. But the truth … that’s the missing piece. Found Latimer, found Ellen …
and she’s from Holland, that’s what she said, she’s from Holland like the
postcard. But what about the red tulips, the tall ship, the tangerine
tree…? Find those and I find the truth.
Should she leave … back to Holland … what would I…? Nonsense, I’m a scientist
for God’s sake. Amazing how the mind averages things out … how it wanders …
daydreams. He looked at his watch. “She’s not coming. Damn, so much for
dreams,” he muttered. At last she appeared, standing by
the door, and caught sight of him right away. An ethereal maiden, he imagined,
roused by euphoria. “I didn’t think you were coming,” he
confessed, his face beaming. “I said at eight o’clock didn’t I?”
she explained with a slight accent, sitting opposite him by a shaded lamp. “Oh, of course, I set my watch five
minutes ahead. Helps me be on time.” Her clear eyes shone in the electric
twilight. The eyes were distinct and familiar, in fact almost instantly
recognizable, and now more than ever he felt her standing between two worlds.
He wondered (given the dream and all) whether she had sunk into his unconscious
long before he dreamt her. And perhaps he had not dreamt her at all. These
fleeting impressions were tenuous and shameful and to be discarded by his
rational mind. They selected from the menu and
ordered champagne. As Galen poured some in each cup he considered his
happiness. It had been a long time such joy kindled his life. Still, behind the
seemingly unconquerable joy, loomed the ugly thought that she would leave him
to his previous tedium: alienated again amongst the eye-straining paper work,
amongst the dull lectures, amongst the corpses and formaldehyde … “So you plan to be a doctor,”
declared Ellen, looking at him very contentedly. “Y-yes.” “What do you like best about
medicine?” He looked at her blankly. “Uh … want
more bread?” He turned away and beckoned the waiter. “We’d like more bread,
please.” “Do you like medical school?” she
continued. He sank his head for
a pensive moment. Then Galen leaned forward and gazed at her intently. “I do it to save
lives,” he replied, with an air of impeccable honesty. “It’s a beautiful profession.” “Yes, but is it worth
it?” “You mean you don’t think it’s worth
it?” “I mean there’s too much responsibility,”
he said angrily. “Too much is never enough when
saving lives.” Grinning at her in adoration, he
lifted his cup and toasted, “To life!” He emptied the glass in one gulp, and
said, “Enough about me. What about you?” “Oh, I haven’t got a major. Liberal
arts – drifting from class to class.” The thought she would leave him
alone with his somber responsibilities suddenly terrified him. Amidst all the
opulence, a great chasm opened beneath, and he felt hollow to the core. “I’m sure you don’t miss Holland. Do
you?” he asked, and cursed himself for bringing it up. “Sometimes I do.” “But people should
feel at home wherever they go.” “You’re right.” “It’s good to be on
your own.” “It is.” “A self-assured girl like you.” “I’m really very insecure.” “Nah, you look like a fighter.” “I do?” “By the way, I love
your accent.” “Never lost my accent. I moved here
when I was ten, to Chicago with my mother. She divorced my father; he still
lives in Holland.” “That’s good! I mean … that you
moved with … no, how should I put it … that you were able to assimilate so
successfully.” The champagne bottle was almost
empty. He drank most of it, and now, unrestrained by reason, his mind flooded
with wild ruminations. He looked at Ellen and saw her double and thought it
quite remarkable. He allowed himself to play a game, a game that required him
to keep his reason at bay while he explored it - perhaps only to satisfy a
childlike amusement and for no practical end. One might call it “Connect the
Dots.” Wherein he speculates if the person before him has any knowledge of the
objects in his dream, since (though highly insubstantial against the light of
reason) yonder, in the shadowy world, she walked in communion with the objects
and herself was one. “Do you like flowers?” he began. He
remembered the flowers vividly. “Yes, they’re very pretty,” she
replied. “What’s your favorite color?” “On a flower you mean?” “Yes, on a flower.” “Ah … red, I like red.” Now he grew excited, but tried to
stifle it for the sake of intellectual integrity. Leaning towards her, elbows
on the table, he began gesticulating with his hands. “Is it red? I mean,
if you have … what I mean is, do you have a red flower?” “Yeah, actually I do.
It reminds me of Holland.” “Is it a …” He couldn’t give
anything away. His game was working, although he imagined it strange but nonetheless continued. “What type of flower
is it?” he rephrased. “A tulip – they grow those in
Holland, you know. It’s in a pot by my window.” The pieces of the puzzle, observed Galen in
reverie, however obscure, began to connect. Stern responsibilities and Henry’s
advice about his duties diminished in his flight of fancy. What is the truth?
He wanted to ask her. But such discourse is, and venturing therein, unseemly
for anyone with healthy faculties. While eating their Italian cuisine,
a woman with a worn overcoat and shaggy hair stared at them through the window.
She came intrusively close to the glass with a rigid smile. At once Galen
remembered her; same woman he had seen strolling down the marketplace and
staring into store windows. It was that uncanny, blissful smile he recalled
most. Yet he was struck by the fact that a reasonably young, attractive woman
lived masked by an unkempt guise and invisible affliction. “Don’t look at her,” said Galen. “She’s smiling … maybe she’s happy,”
observed Ellen. “She’s hiding from the pain.” “You think she’s in
pain?” “I would love to
believe that she’s happy, and so would she, and so would you. But then we’d all
be …avoiding reality. C’mon Ellen, don’t look at her.” “Turning your face
won’t make her go away.” “You’re encouraging her.” “When it gets cold she sleeps under
the stairs,” said Ellen, piteously. “You’ve seen her before?” “At my apartment, at the bottom of
the stairs. Poor woman.” Ellen’s face grew sad. By the end of dinner, Galen learned
much about Ellen. She told him her father was a sea merchant, which conjured up
dream images of the tall ship. Again,
this surprised him but he thought it inept for any dialectic. Also, it was amusing when she revealed, in a
way he found both mysterious and lascivious, that she lived above that very
restaurant, in one of the apartments housed within the same building. “Want to see my tulip?” she asked. Right away he wondered if this
statement was an inviting connotation, or a straightforward denotation.
Years before, as a
naďve young man, after driving his sister’s friend to her house, the girl
stepped out of the car and asked, “Want to see my dog?” He quickly replied, “No, that’s okay.”
Later he imagined this could have been a connotative statement and cursed
himself for being stupid. Galen followed Ellen out of the
restaurant. He stepped into a hallway and Ellen opened a door leading to a
brightly lit corridor. They proceeded down the corridor and came to a stairway,
under which – as Ellen had mentioned – lay the destitute crumpled woman curled
as she slept. Galen glanced at her and noted she was cold. She coughed, deep
and gurgling, and he worried about bronchitis. It is cold, he thought. Too cold!
Even inside it was frightfully cold, so bitter he saw his breath. It couldn’t
be otherwise, he observed, given the deteriorated condition of the building. He stepped over the sleeping woman
and ascended the rotting stairs. Ellen’s second story room, however,
was surprisingly pleasant and cozy in contrast to the frigid, fluorescent corridor.
And on a small table by the dormer window he saw the tulip. It burnt like a
torch before the frozen wasteland outside. He didn’t stay long on a first date.
Galen hurried home beneath the freezing, jagged February wind. “I should’ve
been a penguin,” he said to himself. Then he recalled the story he heard on the
news, about the man shoveling snow who slips, lapses into unconsciousness, and
turns into a Popsicle. In his cramped room he began pacing
about and brooding. I couldn’t last a day out there, he thought. And she …
well, that’s life. “I’m not God,” he said aloud. You see something like that,
and what can you do? You can’t save the world. He opened a cabinet above his
stove and reached for medication, it read: “Ceftin 500MG.” Antibiotic and…. He
rummaged in the closet and found a thick blanket. No, absolutely not. She’ll be
fine … at least she’s indoors – I can’t save the world! He sat on his bed and removed his
shoes and coat. Back he fell onto the mattress and stared blankly at the
ceiling. Then he sprang up, and again reached for his shoes and coat. He
returned to Latimer with the antibiotic in his pocket and the blanket under his
arm. At last he arrived at the 16th
Street Bar and Grill. The restaurant remained open even past midnight. Again he
walked down the brightly lit corridor, at the end of which lay the sick woman.
He gently covered her with the blanket. “Miss,” he whispered, and tapped her
shoulder. He didn’t want to frighten her. She opened her eyes and resumed her
beatific smile. “I brought you a blanket.” She looked to it, remained silent,
and nodded her approval. “You see these.” He showed her the
antibiotic as he knelt before her. “Take one three times a day with plenty of
water. You understand?” “Yes, with plenty of water,” she
repeated. She had a pleasant voice. “You know, it’s a brutal winter. You
should go to an emergency shelter, it’s a lot warmer there,” he suggested, and
rose to his feet. As he retreated, “Plenty of water.” With a feeble gesture, barely
raising her hand, she waved at him in gratitude. * * * The girl in the white
dress still frequented his sleep. And she continued to gather tangerines in a
cornucopia, before running away to the tall ship. Galen could see, with urgent
clarity, the green foliage and the sunshine-orange
tangerines. Yet he found nothing in his waking hours to reflect those
tangerines. The last piece of the puzzle, he thought. One month after their
first date Ellen stopped calling him and never answered his calls. On seeing
this and troubled by it, Galen decided to pay her a visit. He knocked on her door many times
and no one answered. As he turned to leave the latch clicked and the door slid
open. “Come in,” she said, in a mournful
voice. “I’ve been trying to call you all
week. It’s like suddenly you disappear. What’s wrong?” He saw her facing the
window with a grievous air that made him terribly uneasy. “I was going to tell you that – “ “Wait wait. Don’t
tell me. I know how this story ends:
with me all alone waving good-bye from the pier – my life in shambles –
and you sailing into the sunset.” “I knew you wouldn’t
understand,” she said softly, still facing the window. He noticed the room
was clean and almost empty. On the floor, by his leg, were two large suitcases
fastened and packed. “But what about school? What about –
“ She turned to face him. “I’ll be
working with family in Holland. They need me.” “Well, Ellen … I hope … you have a
wonderful trip,” he said piteously. “You can come with me. Oh Galen,
just like the dream you told me about. Fields of red tulips, tall ships sailing
into the sun…. I was the girl you saw, with the white dress. Dreams can come
true!” Galen paced about drawing his
fingers through his hair. The prospect of leaving everything behind – of
throwing everything to the wind – had an alluring charm. Latimer beckoned with its magical and
seductive shore. The pacing stopped. “I can’t go with
you,” he said, his lips pressed in anguish. They agreed to remain
friends despite the vast sea between them. However, Galen felt that, once
settled, as new days advance and old ones recede, even Ellen would fade in the
ebb and flow of time. Before they parted he
observed the tulip by the window. She gave it to him as an emblem of their
friendship. Down the stairs he carried the
tulip. At the bottom the sick woman lay sprawled on the floor. He passed over
her and stopped a few paces away, as if he’d forgotten something. Abruptly he
was face to face again with the lectures and corpses and formaldehyde. Still,
having returned to this place he could not imagine leaving it again. Galen walked back to the sick woman
and, leaning down, placed the flowerpot by her side. While doing this he
noticed, under her worn gray overcoat, a clean, white cotton dress embroidered
with green leaves and tendrils and tangerines. “You feeling better?” he whispered. “Much better,” she replied, and
smiled blissfully.