You may have noticed that we have a soft spot for interchangeable minds
here at CTTA. This is our second
twisted tale that deals with this possibility…
BALLAD OF A BILLY
GOAT
by Jonathan Laden
My
fingers fly across my Gibson guitar, too rapid for my eyes to follow. “My girl
she doesn’t love me, my girl she gone and left me,” I sing over the pounding
drumbeat, my throat burns like I’ve just finished a seven-course meal of
chilies. I nod to the bassist. Smiling, he steps forward and riffs, improvising
on the melody of the song. I wipe sweat back from my eyes. And look: as far as
I can make out a sea of faces, most of them belonging to children too young to
drink, sways back and forth as if in a communal trance. Then the band draws the
song to a close. And the crowd erupts into cheers, hoots and catcalls.
Now
I’m a rock star. But which one?
While
the bassist re-tunes for the next song I look around for clues, hopefully
without being too obvious. I wear faded blue jeans and a shiny black leather
jacket. I smell like I haven’t bathed in a month. Though, at the rate I’m
perspiring, it’s easy to imagine I’ve merely overwhelmed whatever deodorant I
put on a few hours ago. There
must be more than ten thousand people in that audience, all of them now waiting
for me to launch into my next song. I gulp. My mind has drawn a complete blank.
The
bassist comes to the rescue. “C’mon Steve. Let’s do Old Mother Goose.”
That’s
Steve Shogun’s platinum single. I’ve hit it bigger than I thought. But I still
don’t remember a single note. “You guys start.”
The
band kicks in. And within a few bars, the brain’s muscle memory takes over, as
it always does with the right stimulus. “Hey diddle diddle …” I begin. A thousand
echoes arise from the rows of screaming fans, bathing me in their adulation.
“Hey babe, want to come over to my place?” I point at one particularly
attractive young woman in the front row, as Steve Shogun does at this point in
every concert. “The old nursery rhymes, they don’t mean much anymore. If indeed
they ever did before.” Her return smile is a delicious mix of rapture and
dread. The glitter on her face and cleavage glows in the reflection of the
stage light. I look away before I get any more distracted.
“Old
Mother Goose sure laid an egg. Little Jack Horner never did get laid. They made
their rhymes - the price they paid. Don’t tell me no fairy tales no more.”
I
pace the stage. “Babe come on and let me in. I’ll flatter your ego and flutter
your skin. And that’s only when I begin.” I can’t resist looking back at the
glittery woman at this moment. I sing to her. “Fairy tales got nothing on sin.
Silly rhymes got nothing on sin.” The song feels right. If I did write lyrics,
they might sound something like this.
“Twinkle,
twinkle little star.” She shimmies, her shoulders twinkling as they catch the
light. “It just don’t really go that far. Old nursery rhymes, they bite the
dust. Ain’t got nothing on old-fashioned lust.” I pause, blinking into the million-candle
power spotlight. I’ve made the classic error: thinking too much, too soon after
a switch.
What’s the next
line? Forcing back the bile in my throat, I sway to the music, my eyes closed,
trying not to imagine how quickly ten thousand screaming fans can turn into a
deadly lynch mob if they don’t get their music. And the lines come. “The sun
sets down in the west. We ride off, hope for the best. It might not work for
all the rest. But, babe, we’re us not them. Gotta restrain your silly laughter.
‘Cause we’re gonna live happily ever after. Happy…ever…after!” I raise my arms
and bask in the thunderous applause.
This is why I
joined the network after all. I was tired of being a nobody. Of course, most of
the other people who joined were much the same. I’ve jumped into more
accountants, janitors, and retirees over the last seven years than I can count.
It’s been interesting enough. Anyone’s life can be an adventure for seventy-two
hours.
The fans are
still screaming. Security guards materialize, apparently out of nowhere, to
block the frenzied few who attempt to rush the stage. “Thank you,” I yell.
“Thank you very much.” My skin tingles from fingertips to toes with all the
energy directed at me. I feel like I could jump a hundred feet into the air.
Why did Steve join the network?
The concert
can’t be over, can it? I just got here. So I strum on my guitar to try and
cajole the band into playing one more encore. But it’s me doing it, not Steve, so
the chord comes out sour. I can’t control all the parts of this body that
operate mostly on a subconscious level. Not until I’ve slept. So I let the
bassist put his arm around my shoulder and guide me off the stage.
“Nice pick,
Steve.” He pokes me in the ribs with the end of his bass. “I had my eye on her
too.”
“Too slow,
Ricky,” I say, because it seems the right thing to say. I wink, not knowing
exactly what’s going on. But I’m used to that. Jumping into things in the
middle is an old routine for me by now. I’ve found that if I just keep my mouth
shut, I can usually get by. At least until I integrate well enough with the
memory structures of my host of the moment to glimpse what I need to know.
Heck, most people in the world can’t connect to a tenth of their memories. We
networkers are probably ahead of the game in that regard.
So Shogun’s
routine continues. The bassist and I stroll off behind the stage. “Get changed quick, Steve. Or I’ll steal her
right from under you.” He laughs.
It is a small
room, in the bowels of the stadium. It was normally used as the coach’s
conference room. I know because I was unlucky enough to transfer into one of
the grunts who painted this place a little more than a year ago. Exhausting
work that was. The paint fumes gave me headaches for the next two people. That
kind of thing is not supposed to carry over; maybe it was psychological. I hope
I’m never a painter again.
Pulling a clean
shirt over my arms, I wander my way back to the ongoing source of the music. It
blares back here too. Steve Shogun has gone too deaf to hear how loud it is,
but the concrete floor vibrates with every beat.
The spread is
exceptional. There’s enough here to feed a nursing home for a week. I know.
Besides the band, there are eight or ten gorgeous girls eating and drinking and
trying to shout conversation over the beat.
It’s not worth
trying to talk. I down one beer, and then another. Then, pleasantly fuzzy, I
sit, leaning back against one of the girls. She runs her warm fingers through
the hairs of my chest, unencumbered by my shirt, which I never did get around
to buttoning. I turn and look at her. Her face is earnest, as though she’s
about to accomplish the greatest feat of her young life. She practically bursts
through her translucent spandex top. I must send her home before she makes a
conquest of me. She can’t be more than sixteen.
Too late. She
leads me by the hand to the private room to the side. The alcohol and the
probability that this is exactly what Shogun would do combine to render any
resistance I might offer useless. Besides she is gorgeous. I collapse onto the
bed.
She goes
straight to the vial of frost, hidden in the corner by the leg of the bed.
Consoling myself that she must be a regular, I join her in inhaling a few
lines. Then we fool around. Despite my earlier misgivings, I enjoy myself
immensely.
Afterwards,
taking my shirt for a souvenir, she announces she must get home. She has school
tomorrow. They have a quiz she hasn’t studied for. I stagger out of the room
and tell a roadie to get her a cab. Pulling a wad of bills from my pocket, I
shove cab fare to the next city into her hand. She gives me a quick kiss.
“Goodnight, Steve.”
Ricky saunters
over, his face dark. “You fool. You shouldn’t have picked that one.” He directs
his words at me, but if I can hear him over the music so can others in the
room. “If you’re in jail, there’s no concert!”
“Huh?” I avoid
his eyes. “She jumped me. What did ya want me to do, Ricky? Have my bodyguard
beat her off me?”
“Yeah.” Ricky
leads with his chin. “There was a time man, when you would have avoided a chick
like that. Even wasted. You used to be . . .” He searches for a word.
“More
cautious?” I explode. I seize a bottle of rum from the table and tilt it back, feeling
the raw burn just like at the end of the concert. “Well, fuck that! Life ain’t
for watching!” I plagiarize one of Shogun’s more famous lines. “We’re here to
party!”
Ricky turns
away from me, a dark scowl on his face. I’ll need to make this up to him.
Later. Right now, all I want to do is enjoy this night. The rum courses through
my veins, mixing with the frost I haven’t yet fully metabolized. Heck, I smile to myself; if I play it right
the next guy will get to do the apologizing to keep Ricky from leaving the
band, or even serve the jail time if Shogun gets hauled in on a statutory
charge. In a very real sense, it’s not my problem. I have no problems in the
world.
The woman from
the front row of the concert chooses that moment to walk in, about five seconds
ahead of the drummer. I turn to yell at him, but instead find myself watching
the glitter on her collarbone, shimmering under the sheen of a light sweat. I
laugh. “Dance!” I command.
Everybody
dances, even Ricky. Such is the power of Steve Shogun. I don’t know if it’s
charisma or just the intoxicating vapors of fame, but everybody does what
Shogun wants. We bounce around the room at a frenetic pace, knocking food off
the buffet table, bouncing off the walls, probably even chipping the damn paint
job that I was here last to do. Only extreme good fortune prevents an accident.
But then Steve Shogun’s always been fortunate.
The glitter
woman grabs the rum bottle off the table – amazing that it hadn’t spilled all
of its contents. She swigs it, then releases the delighted howl of a hyena
who’s just found its supper. She rips off her shirt, revealing spirals of
glitter around her breasts, and wraps me in a bear hug.
So this is how
rich and famous rockers live. This was what I imagined when I joined the
network. It’s almost enough to make me stop trying to get out. Almost.
I push the
thought aside as I carry her to the private room. Glitter woman is talented.
She uses her energy to good purpose until I am drained. We lie together in our intermingled sweat,
gasping for breath.
“What is your
name anyway?” I ask.
She flashes me
a disgusted look. “Dorice.”
I don’t know
why. She knew we hadn’t exactly been formally introduced. “Dorice, it is a
pleasure to make your acquaintance.” I extend my hand, which she ignores.
A loud knock
comes on the door. We have been hogging the room – though Dorice clearly found
somewhere else to get comfortable with the drummer earlier.
She drags
herself off the bed and begins to dress. I watch her long legs disappear into her
jeans. She looks around, then remembers. “I have no shirt in here.”
I raise my bare
arms. “Gave mine away.”
“Great.” She
plops onto the bed, causing her glitter to bounce seductively. “Now I’ll just
have to go out there naked.”
“You didn’t seem
to mind before.” I grin. She glares back. “Don’t worry honey.” I pat her head.
“Use the sheet. The next folks won’t need it.”
I pat the back
of her head one more time and feel the telltale scar of the network transceiver
before she jerks away.
Could I really
be Dorice?
*
My
head vibrates like a New York subway car. This is the worst hangover I’ve had
in years. Since I was that embezzling banker, trying to drink away his guilt.
The memory flash only serves to increase the pain. The sun streams through the
window, baking my brain through the eyelids. I roll away from it.
“Hey!”
And bump into
Dorice.
Dorice is no
longer quite so lovely now that her glitter has faded away. But her face is
honest. No matter who it might be who looks out through those eyes.
Dorice shies
away from my gaze, covering the back of her head with her hand. It is an
instinctive reaction among us Travelers. We feel the need to protect the
crystal which contains our consciousness.
Never mind that the crystal is more secure than the meat brain to which
it’s connected – we still feel vulnerable. Realizing what she’s done, Dorice
pulls away her hand and sits on it. She covers her breasts with the other arm.
“There’s no
point in hiding it. I know already.”
“What are you
talking about, Steve?” She plays dumb.
I grab the hand
from her breasts and touch it to the transceiver on my head.
“Hey!” She
pulls her hand back, covering herself once again. You ought to learn some man…
“Oh.” Her eyes open wider than I thought possible. The glitter in her irises is
all-natural. “Why you?”
I laugh, a
scratchy sort of wheeze. My voice may not make tonight’s concert possible even
if I’m not in jail. “How would I know?”
“No.” She nods slowly.
“You wouldn’t know why Steve Shogun became a Traveler.” She hides her nakedness
under hotel sheets. “Who are you?”
“C’mon. Let’s
get grub.”
“Sure. Change
the subject.”
“We’ll talk at
the café.” I hold my head. “I need java.”
She laughs. The
glitter of her eyes fully replaces all that wiped off in our lovemaking of last
night, mercifully distracting me from the throbbing of my temples. “You forget
yourself, Steve Shogun.” She emphasizes the name. “If you aren’t up to facing
your screaming public, we better eat in.”
“My fans.” No
force in the world will keep me from their adoration for the limited time I get
to enjoy it. Not even a hangover will diminish this experience. I dress
quickly, and down a micro-rum from the bar, completing my rejuvenation. “Let’s
go.”
“’Steve?’” She
says it differently now that she knows.
Pain bites at
the back of my neck. I am no longer a star to her, but just some regular guy. I
meet her eyes. Her adoration for Shogun has faded, to be replaced with
condescension. I’m not the conquest anymore, but merely some schmoe she took
pity on at a singles bar. I shouldn’t have told her. “Yes?”
She allows the
sheet to drop. There is still a smidgen of glitter on her left breast, right
above the nipple. “I still have no shirt.”
I lay back on
the bed laughing. What a Steve Shogun moment. No one I’d ever been had run into
a similar predicament.
*
After
forty-five glorious minutes of autograph signing at the concierge desk – by
which time Dorice is rolling her eyes at the vapor minded fans she resembled
just last night - we are escorted to a private room for breakfast. Dorice,
wearing a concert t-shirt, the only half-modest item we could find in my
suitcase, orders the four-egg omelet, hash browns, a poached egg and a coke. I
stick to coffee and toast.
I stare at the
outlines of her breasts beneath the thin white fabric. Rock stars are allowed
to be rude. “Good grub,” I say.
“Yeah.” She
stops shoveling egg in her mouth. “That is fine looking toast you have there.
Feel any better?”
“How can I not
feel good here alone with you?” I flash her Shogun’s patented sneer.
“Cut it out.” I
think for a second she’s going to throw her remaining eggs at me. Instead she
takes a forkful to her mouth. She’s too hungry to waste the food.
“Sorry. Can’t
help it,” I lie. Acting like Steve Shogun does come naturally while my animus
is encapsulated in his neural network. Yet, I am in control. Whoever I am.
And she knows
it. Her glare feels fierce enough to shatter my crystal. “Yes you can. Stop
staring at my breasts while you’re at it.”
I sigh as I
avert my eyes. If I want to truly enjoy the perks of being Steve Shogun for the
next two days, I need to ditch this girl. All I have to do is walk into the
nearest record store to pick up a groupie. Dorice wouldn’t even blame me. After
all, I became a Traveler to savor the unique experiences. It’s why most of us
did.
“Much better.
So why did you join up?”
“So I could
meet chicks like you,” I say without thinking. It’s more Steve’s response than
mine.
“’Steve.’” She
drums her fingers on the tabletop, her glance flickering to the exit, as though
she might just get up and walk away.
“Wait.” I don’t
want her to leave. “Why did you join?”
“Boredom. I was
a secretary for a large corporation.” She leans back with a dreamy look in her
eyes. “As straight and narrow as they come. I never even shoplifted. Joining
the network was the first illegal thing I’d ever done.” She chuckles, her eyes
lighting up like fireflies. “I didn’t want to be Miss Ordinary any more.”
“You have
succeeded.”
“No,” She says.
“This is me. I got off the loop. I was about ten different people, all of them
living deadly dull lives. I might not have stopped when I did, except…”
“Except for
what?” The Shogun in me loses interest. I reach for her leg under the table.
She pats my hand absently.
“I switched
into some guy’s mind. He was in prison for embezzling. Three days of jail was
enough time for me to do some serious thinking. I realized that if I wanted
adventure,” she shrugs, “I had to create it myself.”
“You were Joe
Thomson too.” It’s a small world. For a Traveler, anyway. “When I occupied him,
his lawyers had some hope he could stay out of prison. I guess he did, in his
own way.”
“His body’s not
doing too well in jail. I was the first in weeks to take the blood pressure
medication. If he dies, his self will die with him.”
“Yeah. I hope
my self is being better maintained. Let’s go.” My hands crave the comfortable
feeling of gripping the guitar. Making some music would be a welcome
distraction.
She takes hold
of my arm before I can stand. “When’s the last time you checked on your body?”
“I can’t
remember.” I walk out of the room. The hotel will charge my tab.
Dorice rushes
to catch up, the poached egg in hand. “You can’t remember? How long have you
been traveling?”
If only I knew.
“At least seven years.” I have a dim memory of attending the same graduate
seminar as both professor and student seven years ago. Before that, nothing.
The crystal is too small to contain a lifetime of memories. It’s the price we
pay to be Travelers.
She staggers,
dropping the egg onto the lobby floor. “First waver? Your next transfer better
be to your true self.”
I stare at the
shattered egg. It can no more be restored to its original form than can my
life. I smile. Steve Shogun should write a song about that, what with his
nursery rhyme fetish. I laugh. And then I can’t stop laughing. It hurts my
diaphragm and my throat, but I just can’t stop.
Dorice yells
for help.
*
I’m lying on a
bed. I open my eyes. It’s my bed in the hotel room. Dorice hands me the Gibson
guitar. “Your band members helped get you up here. They said that happens to
you occasionally, more often lately.” She winks, and I fall in love. “Shogun
may need to check in on his own body more often.”
My hands want
nothing more than to hold the guitar, but I push it aside and take Dorice’s
hand in my own. Her palms are rough and callused. I realize the bright nail
polish is just camouflage, concealing that these are hands that get used. “Why are you still here? This is rather
more than you bargained for.”
“I told you I
wanted adventure.” She squeezes my hand. “I can help you find your real self. I
think I can still find my dealer. It’s only been a couple of years.”
“Will your
dealer like that? Won’t he distrust you?” She left the network. He’ll think
she’s turning evidence. Which puts me in the role of undercover cop. I was a cop once, but I wasn’t good at it. I
switched out of that one just as a sting operation was falling apart around my
head. I hope that poor guy survived.
“We’ll have to
make him help us. You need to check in on your real self.”
And stay for a
while. To see the same face in the mirror day after day is a luxury I can barely
imagine. “It can’t be done. If it could, I would have left this rut long ago.”
Funny how even constant change can become a rut if you do it long enough.
She pats my
arm. “Let’s at least try. Okay?” I can’t say no to a lovely face.
We take a cab.
I don’t want my driver to see where we go. We pass through the business
district, then turn into a row of buildings with boarded windows and artistic
graffiti. Several blocks into this desolation, Dorice signals the driver to
stop. I give him a twenty-dollar tip. He takes the money tentatively, stares at
Dorice’s chest, then drives away with squealing tires. I’m pretty sure he
didn’t recognize Steve Shogun. He probably decided I am a drug dealer or a
pimp. I’ve never been either of those.
Dorice leads me
by the hand into an old brick office building with broken shutters. It smells
like a garbage dump; I spent a memorable stint as a sanitation engineer. “His
name is Snidens.” She talks to distract me. I keep my face impassive, but I
catch myself squeezing her hand as we approach our destination. “It will be no
problem for him to contact the satellite. Once you know who you are and have
your code, you can check in on yourself. Then return to the wonderful traveling
adventures you’ve been having.”
“Can I contact
you?” I feel the sweat break out on my forehead. Definitely not Shogun’s
reaction to such a situation. “From my true self I mean.”
She smiles.
“I’d like that. If you can remember I exist.” She pulls a tissue out of her
pocket and writes down her number. I shove it in my pocket. I’ll try to
memorize the information before I switch. The next Steve Shogun may see it and
call her. I’m not sure which she would prefer.
We climb five
flights, placing our feet carefully on splintered stairs. At the top, a rat scurries
across our path. It’s not black, so I don’t think it means bad luck. Dorice
guides me to the office.
She knocks.
Then knocks again. “Uh oh.” The door is unlocked. She opens it slowly.
Deserted.
“Too bad,” I
say sarcastically. “We tried. Let’s go inhale some frost.”
“No.” She
slumps against the wall. “How will you get back to your true body?”
I shrug. I
can’t let her see my disappointment. “I gave up long ago.”
“We can go see
a hacker.” The network zaps the animus to a low-orbit satellite, then back down
into the crystal occupying another body, randomly selected. Any system can be
hacked.
“Is that safe?”
I ask.
She raises her
eyebrows. “Compared to what?”
Not safe.
“Let’s get high instead.”
“I don’t do that
shit. It fucks with your mind pretty bad.”
Laughing, I
reach out for her telltale scar. She pulls back, out of reach. “A little late
for that, don’t you think? You have a crystal embedded in your gray matter.”
“I learned
better, okay? I thought you had, too.”
“Yeah, I should
be very careful with my mind. So I can grow old with all my memories intact. Is
that it?” I stomp off down the desolated block, cursing under my breath in
every language I’ve picked up bits of over the past hundreds of people I’ve
been. Turning around, I stomp right back, cursing in English. If nothing else,
I can’t leave a young, underdressed woman alone in this neighborhood. Not even
in the light of mid-day. “How the hell do you catch a cab around here?”
Her look is
cold, but her voice level. “We don’t.” She walks toward the skyscrapers of the
business district with the ease of a hiker. I do my best to keep up.
*
Another night,
another concert. My voice is shit from all the cackling and cursing that I’ve
been doing, but no one in the audience seems to notice. Ricky gives me a
strange look once or twice, but we make it through the set without any major
problems.
Afterwards, I
watch the roadies select girls. I’m pretty sure that none of the girls are
under age this time. We should start carding them before we let them in.
I sit in the
party room, gnawing on a chicken wing. My latest album is playing on the
stereo. And the daiquiris are extra-strong. Everything is perfect.
The chick next
to me drapes her arm casually around my shoulder. “So Stevie, you have any new
songs in the works?”
I push her arm
off me. “Yeah.” To my surprise, I do. “My next hit’s gonna be called ‘The Girl
I never Met.’ It’ll be about a woman of wisdom. Possibly even a goddess.”
Ricky leans
into our conversation. “So that’s why you never met her, huh? ‘Cuz a woman of
wisdom is a myth.”
I throw my
chicken wing at him. “No, you idiot. It’s a tribute.” To Dorice. Too bad I
won’t be around to write that song.
“Cool, cool.”
Ricky backs off. “Let’s get frosty.”
“Sounds good.”
We inhale a few
lines. The room blurs.
*
I come to in my
hotel suite just as the sun crests over the horizon. Shielding my eyes against
the glare, I stagger to the window and pull the curtain closed. Then stub my toe against the glass as the
covers begin to writhe. The frost must have been bad, I decide, forcing myself
to breathe normally. I plan to wait calmly for the flash to pass. My plan works
for a few moments, until the covers begin to talk.
“Steve, let’s
play some more.” The covers rise and then descend over the side, revealing a
woman who could be a fashion model. Her silicon breasts lie upon a long, thin
frame. Her face is perfect from the high cheekbones to the sculpted eyebrows.
But her eyes don’t sparkle. Not like Dorice.
She beckons me.
“Come here, Steve.”
“Later.” I sit
at the side table and start fiddling with my guitar. The metal chills my naked
thigh. “I gotta get ready for tonight. Maybe you should leave.”
She sits up, a
practiced pout enhancing her features. “Steve. After today, will I ever see you
again?”
“Sure.” We both
know I’m lying. Steve Shogun doesn’t date exactly. I don’t even know what coast
I’ll be on after today, in the body of an old man or a child. I strum a broken
chord, then twist the knobs to tune the one string. “Why? Do you really want
to?”
She gives me a
quizzical look. Seizing the covers, she conceals her nakedness as I still have
not bothered to do. “You’re right,” she says. “For a second I was imagining a
small house with a white picket fence. And you,” she laughs, “raising my kids.
Must be the frost messing me up.”
“Must be.” I
jam on my bass. A white picket fence. Continuity. The image resonates. I strum
a chord to match. And play a melody of longing, not one of fulfillment. I’ll
write
that into a song someday soon.
Shogun will, rather.
“Before I
leave, you want to fool around?” She asks, allowing the bedspread to drop,
suggestively revealing one nipple. Her plastic surgeon did an excellent job. I
almost respond. But she’s already scanning the room, looking for her clothes.
Planning her quick exit afterwards.
I go to the
phone instead.
“What are you
doing?” I suspect she’s never been turned down before.
I dial Dorice’s
number. “Hello? Dorice?” I’m greeted with sullen silence on the other side of
the line as the woman in the room gathers her clothes, and slams herself into
the bathroom door. The famous Shogun touch with women fails me.
I clear my
throat, hoping Dorice still has the receiver to her ear. “Let’s try that
hacker. Please.” Even being a rock star has grown stale. I’ve gotta get out of
this rut.
“Okay.” Dorice
finally responds, just as I had given up hope.
*
We sit on a
plush couch in the living room of a suburban house. With a picket fence. Dorice
looks great, if more modest in black turtleneck shirt and slacks to match. We
took a cab here; my driver is beginning to feel neglected. At least he has the
supermodel to drive. I told him to take her wherever she wanted to go.
Dorice sits
stiffly by my side, avoiding eye contact with me. “Perry is a crack hacker.
He’ll get you back to yourself.”
“Why do you
know a hacker?”
“An
adventuresome life has taken me some places. Like to your bed.” She stares at
the Da Vinci over the fireplace. It’s not an original, but still adds an air of
decadence to our surroundings. “Do you remember the routine to select your
destination?” She changes the subject.
I brush my
fingers against her hand. She pulls it away. Forgiveness will not come easily.
“Not well. I don’t do it every third day like you do.” By focusing on who you
want to be at the right moment, you can supposedly jump into them. I’ve never
tried it. It’s dangerous to travel to the same person more than once in a year.
At last she
looks at me, her brow wrinkled. “What are you talking about?”
“To stay in
yourself.”
She smiles.
“You don’t remember, do you?” At my head shake, she continues. “Once I returned
to myself, all I had to do was focus on my social security number at midnight.
That locked me in to the crystal in my own head. It’s not quite the original
set up, but I can’t tell the difference.” She shrugs. “I should be protected
against Alzheimer’s anyway.”
I start to
respond -- something witty about my situation being akin to Alzheimer’s -- but
Perry emerges from his study at that moment, rubbing his beard. He peers
through thick glasses at me. “I’m sorry, Mr. Shogun.”
Dorice jumps
up. “You mean you can’t help him?”
“I’m tracing no
records from the information you could provide.” It was precious little. “I’d
be able to find where Steve Shogun’s animus is presently located if you’d like.
But, I’m sorry, I have no idea who you are.”
“Can he look at
the list of possibles? Maybe it’ll spark some useful memory.”
He turns to me,
his eyes are magnified by the lenses he wears. “It’s a shielded black market
satellite. I may be able to force a link long enough to decrypt and download
five thousand names, but it will cost you extra.”
“Sure. Shogun
can afford it.” Funny, I had thought there were more of us.
In less than an
hour Perry returns with a sheath of paper. “That will be fifty thousand
dollars, Mr. Shogun.” Fifty grand. Maybe that Da Vinci is an original after
all.
*
“Hey diddle
diddle,” the crowd goes wild.
We are in a new
town, playing before a new throng of screaming kids. The lights are bright
enough to melt metal, and my trusty guitar still chomps at the pick. Not much
has changed. Ricky comes over to my mike to sing with me on the chorus. I note
the circles under his eyes. The band has been on tour for more than three
months. In fact, everyone in the band is looking ragged except for me. I guess
it helps to be able to bring in a fresh soul every three days.
“The sun sets
down in the lowly west—”
I am sitting on
a dusty couch, engaged in a staring contest with a small television.
A door creaks.
I turn past windows curtained in faded, flowery cloth to see a stout woman
emerge with a suitcase in each hand. “Harvey,” she says in a low, heavy voice.
“I’m leaving you.”
“You’ll be
back.” I scratch at my bulging gut. I look back at the television. The front
door slams, rattling the windows. “Bitch.”
I reach for my
beer.
*
Tight pants.
Shirt open to the waist. Leather couch with gold trim. Real gold. The Gibson
guitar stands in the corner. I’m Steve Shogun again. What a fuck-up.
This must be
his home. I wander from room to room picking up objects at random. Beyond the bedroom
door, I come to a walk-in closet full of accumulated crap from the last concert
tour. Heaps of dirty clothes, t-shirts, even shot glasses from a bunch of
cities tossed among the mess. When was that, five months ago? Shogun is not a
model housekeeper.
Might as well
take care of this. No one following me is likely to take any interest in
cleaning either. I scoop up half of the pile as I ponder the potential in a
dirty laundry song. I decide against. A
pink tissue flutters to the ground.
There’s a name
and number scribbled on one side. Some woman of Shogun’s. “Dorice Braggio.”
Dorice. The memory floods back. I reach for a phone.
“It’s after
midnight.”
“Sorry.”
“Who is this?”
“Steve. Steve
Shogun. You left your number with me.”
“Oh.” Silence.
“That was a misunderstanding. I didn’t mean—”
“Dorice,” I
interrupt. “It’s me. The same Steve Shogun you left the number with.”
She gasps.
“You’re back in him? You shouldn’t have done that.”
“It was a
mistake. Can I fly you out here? I’ll explain in person. Please?”
She considers.
“Okay. In the morning.”
“First thing,
then. I only have two days. The ticket will be waiting for you at the airport.”
*
Dorice sits on
the leather couch like it was made for her. “Start at the beginning.”
“I jumped into a
shrink. With a specialty in hypno-therapy. So I hypnotized myself each night
before midnight with the instruction to focus on who I really am. Supposedly,
if I reached my true self rather than some other part of my neural structure,
and if the knowledge was still in there, I would return to the right place.”
“That was
clever.” She nods.
“Too clever by
half.” I pace the room. “Here I am. I underestimated the power of wishful
thinking.”
She laughs.
“Yes. Steve Shogun has the kind of adventurous life that we all lusted for when
we joined the network.”
I stop in front of her, my gaze meeting hers.
Hey eyes still glitter. “That’s not what I meant. I didn’t remember you most of
the time. I was too busy trying to figure out what was going on every three
days. Yet, every so often a quiet moment would come. Then I’d see your face,
more often than not.” I lean forward, half-expecting a slap. I remember that we
didn’t part amicably before.
She kisses me
briefly, passionately, then pushes me away. “We need to finish talking.”
Quickly. Before
I become somebody else. “No. I understand. It was stupid of me.” My fingers
bend, looking for the reassuring neck of my Gibson to hold onto.
She reaches for
my shoulder. “No, you don’t understand. Have you tried to access Steve Shogun’s
childhood memories?”
I concentrate,
catching a fleeting image of an aproned woman and not much else. “Nothing. He’s
fried his brain on drugs.”
“Yes. You
have.” She squeezes my shoulder. “You really are Steve.”
“What?”
“I couldn’t
sleep last night. I called on Perry and asked him where Steve Shogun’s animus
was.”
“Who cares
where he is?” Probably causing some office worker to have an affair, and lose
his marriage. Maybe Harvey.
“Steve Shogun is
currently inside Steve Shogun. Believe it or not, the hypnotism worked.”
“But this isn’t
me. I’m no rock star.”
“You weren’t.
You were a grocery store clerk until about ten years ago, secretly composing
songs in your walk-up efficiency. You didn’t have the guts to play them for
anyone. Until you joined the network. Whoever followed you did.”
“Ah, the
self-restraining super-ego.” The mindset of the hypno-therapist is fading but
not quite gone. “How do you know all this?” I don’t quite believe it.
“I read your
biography on the flight.” She pulls a bent paperback out of her purse and hands
it to me. “You better read it too.”
I stare at the kid on the creased cover.
Could that really be me? “That’s impossible. Why would I leave Steve Shogun in
search of adventure?” It doesn’t make sense.
“It was Steve
Smith at the time.” She smiles. “I guess you thought the grass would be greener
elsewhere.”
“So I’m really
Steve Shogun?”
“Yes. You
really are.”
I kiss her
again. This time she does not pull away. Holding on to Dorice, I look around me
at the fancy furnishings. Out the window I see the lawn. The grass is
knee-high, but vibrant green. Steve Shogun’s house is okay. I can learn to live
here.
I squeeze Dorice. It needs a white picket
fence.