Mr. Owens introduces us to
the penultimate petulant child.
Four wheels and checkers
By Simon Owens
They first showed up in Saturday
morning cartoons, but I was the only one to take the idea seriously. Think Dick Van Dyke in Chitty Chitty Bang
Bang with the skis and the rocket pack.
You can find profound inventions in even the most absurd places.
You ever know someone who has
parents that just seem to be behind on everything? The boy still forced to wear red sneakers while every kid on the
block has the new surfer sandals, fresh and hot from Europe. The teenager with the ten o’clock curfew
when all his other friends don’t need to be in until midnight. The nerd who can’t do this or that, can’t
sleep over at this person’s house or any number of imaginable things while
every other person in the universe gets away with it. That kid is me, and that parent is my mom.
Roller skates. Two with checkers on them and strings to tie
in a bow nice as pie. I wasn’t even
aware they still sold the old-fashioned kind until I pulled the string away and
the smiley face wrapping paper parted to reveal its hidden treasure.
“Happy Birthday,” my mom smiled.
Surprise, I had asked for roller blades and after the words had gone into my
mother’s ears and bounced around the gray matter of her brain, processing
through filters tiny enough to stop a mosquito, this was the end result. A pair of roller skates. Stopper brakes in the front to boot. “Well, don’t look too excited.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
“Told you I’d remember. Now go try them on.”
What’s worse, I was small for my age
and had a big mouth. Hair always in
need of a hair cut, you’d want to pick a fight with me, too. And I’d be the one never to back down. A week later I was in a predicament.
Dr. Carol had a cot I loaned
him. If he had been a good little
scientist it wouldn’t be mildewed. I
fed him regularly, more than you can say for some kids who own dogs and cats. He always got the smelly end of the deal
when I got in trouble. There was a
glare on the plastic bubble but I could see him just fine on his cot. He had no pillow because he had been bad.
“I accepted a challenge,
Mister.” I had that smile on my face
that made him want to punch me, I could tell just by looking at him.
“Let me out of this place, Kid.
Please.” He wasn’t crying, last week he
broke down for the first time in awhile and I couldn’t understand the begging
coming out of his mouth. Kind of like a
little kid but funny because of the gray in his hair.
“These guys with roller blades, like
the ones I was supposed to get. I told
them I could beat them. In a
race.” I lifted up my skates by the
string. I hadn’t put them on since my
birthday. “I can’t win with these. I need you to build something to give them a
little boost. Don’t tell me you can’t
do it.” With those words his eyes went
to the red button on the wall. Classic
conditioning at its best.
“I can do it, Kid.” He looked like
he wanted to say something more against his better judgment. “There are things I’ll need. Shouldn’t cost you too much, maybe you could
steal the stuff from your school science department.”
“Just make a list,” I said, and then
saw his dirty secret. He saw me see it
too, his eyes went wide. I walked up to
the plastic bubble and knelt down.
Little tiny bumps along its right side, almost invisible from the sun’s
glare. “You dirty little doctor.”
“No, Kid.”
“You’ve been biting the plastic
again. Trying to escape.” I ran my fingers over them. Sometimes people just never learn. “You were trying to bite out of your
bubble.” I stood up.
“Kid.”
“My name’s not Kid.”
“Billy, Billy. C’mon now, cut me a break.” There’s nothing like a grown man trying to
keep his cool. I kept my pace slow to
be melodramatic.
The red button had a timer under
it. I set it for two hours and then
pushed it in. The plastic gave a slight
twitch as the pumps activated and the water started to come up from the drain
in the floor. The bad doctor jumped
onto his cot so that his head was close to the ventilation ducts above
him. He knew the routine. In a matter of minutes the water was
slightly above his chin, less than six inches from the ducts before the water
shut off. The end result was a
scientist standing on the tips of his toes with nothing but his mouth and nose
sticking out of the water. I took a
Polaroid.
“I’ll be back for that list,” I
said, even though he couldn’t hear me.
I left the room right before he started pleading. I didn’t feel like being around when the
panic set in.
“What’s all that noise?” my mom
asked.
“The good doctor, again.” She frowned at me.
“Go on now and empty the water, I
have a headache.”
“Yes, Mom.” I hated when she undermined my authority
with him. “You’re lucky,” I informed
him once it got down to his waist.
“Now, how about that list?”
It was simple enough for anyone who
had been through a middle school science course. Do you remember building rockets and launching them? If your teacher was good he taught you how
to make it so a parachute would pop out and it’d float back down to you. It was the same concept with the black and
red checkered roller skates. First some
protection had to be put on the heel so the blast wouldn’t melt the back of my
feet. Then a simple rocket on each
skate with a hollow tube providing a drip to both. Finally, Carol tried on the fuel cell that strapped onto the
back. He looked kind of like the
Rocketeer. Excellent, and a button
attached to the cell to activate it. He
handed it over to my greedy little twelve-year-old hands.
“Can I eat now?”
“Later,” I replied and ran. Sixth street next to the deli, at the top of
the hill.
“I got one thing to say,” Brad said
when he saw the skates. “You’re a
freak.”
I was unmoved. “Let’s race,” I said,
coldly. Brad had his blades hanging
over his shoulders, he looked stylish.
His friends snickered, they were missing skates so I guessed Brad was
it. I wondered what he’d look like
behind a plastic bubble.
They didn’t tie, they snapped on for
his. I put the fuel cell on and tied
the skates. The doctor had taken the
time to remove the rubber brakes in the front.
The checkers gleamed. We didn’t
stretch, kids rarely do. Just got our
heart rates up as a friend started us off.
Ready, set, go!
Speed is a funny thing, except I
wasn’t laughing. I didn’t look back at
Brad as I went zero to thirty in five point two. It was surreal, horrifying, I had to remind myself to
breathe. And it was getting faster too,
I was giving the button a push for all that it was worth, all downhill. The crazy mind of a twelve-year-old must
have thought that if I went long enough I’d reach the speed of light. Everything melted into a blur of wind, and
my cap flew off behind me as I began to swerve in and out between cars. Babies waved at me out windows and parents
did a double-take. At some point I
think a pimple-faced teenager in a blue truck tried to race me.
But not all good things last.
Somewhere between Queen and Burd I heard something pop, followed by a loud
hissing sound. By the time I passed
Burd I didn’t even have enough momentum to make it over the hill. The skates rolled to a stop in front of the
Beurello Café.
That pesky scientist, Dr.
Carol. His creation was flawed. I paid no mind to the people gaping out of
the café’s windows as I removed the skates.
The wheels were smoothed down and soft.
I set off for my house on foot.
I had quite a way to go.
Dr. Carol was a fast talker, I’ll
give him that. He somehow convinced me
not to push the red button and I sent the invention through to him, fuel cell
and all. The checkers were somewhat
darkened from the heat. I still felt
like I was rolling.
Carol took it into his hands and
examined it closely. His lab coat was
still damp and his hair was in disarray.
His glasses rested on the tip of his nose as he fingered this and that. I had a memory of the Rocketeer removing the
gum from the fuel tank so that the antagonist would explode. I sat in a chair across from him and just
watched.
After a few minutes he looked
up. “The tube to the cell sprung off
from the pressure. No fuel was able to
reach the skates.”
“So fix it.”
“I can’t like it is. You’ll have to run and fetch me some
things.”
I stood up. “What do you need?”
“Just some glue and some tape,” he
said. “No big deal, just need to make
sure I have it on tighter this time.”
He lifted the tube as if to emphasize his point.
“Alright, don’t go anywhere.” I smiled at my own joke and left the
room. I headed down to the downstairs
bathroom and flipped on the switch.
Nothing under the sink, I headed into the kitchen and went through the
drawers. Just as my hand closed in on
the glue I heard a small explosion from upstairs.
Glue back down and I slammed the
drawer shut. Below it was another
drawer and in that hid my mom’s gun. I
grabbed it and ran out of the kitchen.
I took the stairs three at a time and stumbled into an empty
bedroom. There was a large hole in the
plastic where it had melted. The
bastard had used one of the rockets to get out, and behind me I heard him make
a run for it through the hallway and down the stairs.
The sneak, I’d take him down. I ran out of the room just in time to see
his head disappearing behind the banister.
The son of a bitch was determined but I wasn’t going to let him get
away. I swung down the railing in a way
only a twelve-year-old could and landed on my feet. To my right I heard him in the kitchen and I went in for the
catch.
He was already at the door, fumbling
at the deadbolt my mom had remembered to lock before she went to the grocery
store. You have to push a little bit on
it to get it to budge and it was the only thing between Dr. Carol and the rest
of the world. For a brief second I
considered letting him go, letting him escape back into society, but as soon as
the lock clicked I brought the gun up and aimed. The door swung open and I knew I only had one shot before he
slammed it shut behind him. The fuel
cell was still on his back. I better
make this one count.
***
I picked out the ointment
specifically because I knew it stung.
Dr. Carol moaned as I applied it to the burn scars on his back. The explosion had propelled him all the way to
the neighbor’s yard and knocked him unconscious. Needless to say, the burns weren’t pretty.
The new bubble had a blue tint to
it, I hoped that he would perhaps enjoy a change in scenery. I even had the blinds open for when the sun
came up. I stood and exited the
bubble. It was almost midnight and I
was tired.
“Goodnight Dr. Carol.”
“Goodnight Kid,” he mumbled.
My name’s not kid, I though but
didn’t say, and then switched off the light.
He was snoring as I closed the door.