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Writer's are always redefining words. Now I'm going to have to think twice about that little bit of something
swirling around in my drink...
Floater By Gary J Beharry
Same cane, same
shades, same build. He looked up at the sun and then I knew I was wrong but
right at the same time. "Do you
know what they are?" I asked as I approached. Each step closer formed a
clearer image of his new destination in my mind. I matched his vibrations,
trying to make his mind calmer and his focus clearer. "I think
so, but how?" A pigeon flew between us, cooing a response. "Are you
ready?" I asked and sensed his destination fading. "I'm afraid." "Of?"
I compensated the fading by clearing the path, like a custodian brushing debris
from a hallway. The circle returned, larger and more defined. "Staying
here . . . going there." "In the
end, it's your choice. It has always been your choice. Do you have any loose
ends?" He removed his
shades and looked at me. His eyes turned to steel and his face tightened. "No one knows I exist here." Anger may not be the
best emotion, but it is certainly the strongest. He was ready. "Relax,
let yourself -- feel. Leave everything behind." He continued
staring at me. "You're not coming with me." It was not a question.
"I've heard a lot about you since -- since I changed. I feel like I know
you but at the same time I don't -- you know?" He sighed. "Isn't that
always how it is? I have to tell you, you're not what I expected."
Everyone says that of me. His eyes
focused on it and he uttered his last words here, "I hope you find who
you're looking for." I turned my back, for I did not want to draw
attention. I heard no sound, no aperture opening, no whooshing -- just
finality. How many times
had I been back here? Enough to be recognized by those who could see. It
was not my desire to become some kind of beacon, teacher, or dare I say hero,
but I gladly took on the role after my awakening. Deep down, I knew I was doing
good, that this had to be done. Yet, I still had not found him: the one who
freed me, the one I owed everything to . . . *** "Drew, didn't
you hear me? How many hours do we have left on the project?" Time. I looked up. My
boss was staring at me, make that frowning at me. My coworkers seated at the conference table had their heads lowered,
busy shuffling papers, feigning writing notes, anything to avoid eye contact with me.
"Thirty-two hours, Mr. Bell," I lied. "Everyone,
I'd like a minute alone with Drew," Mr. Bell said in his
Don't-End-Up-Like-Him fatherly voice. As one, my coworkers leapt out of their
seats and bolted from the room. I knew what was
coming and frankly I didn't care. Nine years with the damned company. I started
out as an administrative assistant and graduated to office manager.
Whoop-de-doo. But I had no one to blame but myself, for I had become a creature
of habit. As I was
cleaning out my desk the sun broke free from the clouds; light filtered through
the grimy windows and hit my computer screen. There they were again: the reason
behind me losing my job, the reason behind my sleepless nights, and worst of
all, the reason behind the break in my comfortable routine. I had built my
whole life knowing exactly what was going to happen day in and day out. Now,
these things put a kibosh on --everything I had attached myself to in this
life. My online
search gave me their name: spots, specks, floaters -- bits of cellular
debris suspended in the eye. Supposedly, they cast shadows over the retina and
when you gaze upon a white background, or the sun, you can see them
clearly. It started with
just one. I was watching Three's Company (reruns are always safer than
new shows because you can predict what will happen; it's like you're
controlling it) when I saw the first one. It traveled down John Ritter's body
as he banged his head against a door.
However, one turned into two, then three and pretty soon John Ritter
started to look like Wile E. Coyote (Super Genius!) after the Acme anvil bonk,
bonked, bonked him on the head. At first I
tried to ignore them and forced myself to continue with my habits. Losing my
job didn't mean losing my whole routine for instead of answering surly vendors
at work, I answered the telemarketers at home; instead of project budgeting at
work, I tried to figure out how much I could stretch my unemployment check at
home. But the spots kept getting worse, now taking on colors: greens, browns,
whites and blues flickered before my eyes like a sixties acid-tripping movie
scene. Finally, my
hypochondria got the better of me and a Google search revealed the spots could
be the first symptom of a detached retina. I was surprised to find the
ophthalmologist referenced on the website in my limited HMO approved doctors
list. I had nothing to lose (I soon realized how correct this statement was). *** "Were you
vaccinated as a child?" Dr. Schiavo asked as he dropped the Cyclopentolate
hydrochloride, a.k.a. dilating solution, in my eyes. (We're led to believe the
dilating solution is a muscle relaxant so the doctor can see further into your
eye. Now I know better. Do not let them use this or any chemical you have no
knowledge of. It is mixed with a suppresser, just like most drugs.) Dr. Schiavo
stretched my upper eyelid with his thumb, and then bent down with an odd
looking monocular. Immediately he stiffened; sweat began to settle in the
creases of his forehead. He told me
exactly what I had read online but said he could help me. He used a key to open
up a wall medicine cabinet and pulled out a small bottle. "These vitamins
will help flush the cellular debris out. Soon you won't even notice the
spots," he said, forcing a thin lipped grin. His entire body trembled as
he dropped the bottle in my hands, but I just figured it was because he was
old. (Mistake number two.) "Take two of these as soon as you get home and
then two each day thereafter," he said eyeing me up and down. I immediately
went home and when I opened my apartment door, Centauri, my Calico, rubbed
against my feet, as always. I dropped the pills and they scattered across the
ceramic tile. Centauri dove for them thinking it was a game. She flicked one
around the hall with her paws and I turned just as she scooped one into her
mouth. I gathered up the rest as best I could and put them back in the bottle.
I left two in my hand and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. The pitcher
crashed to the ground; ice and water flowed toward the sound that forced me to
drop it: Centauri was hacking uncontrollably, white foam sprayed from her nose
and she keeled over. Her body twitched once . . . twice . . .
"Centauri!" I screamed as I ran toward her. Her body lay
still. I ran to the
phone to call the vet when I heard my doorknob turning. Sunlight beamed through
the window and I could see the spots against the wall. They were shaking
something terrible, like they were scared for me. My stomach
knotted. I dove into the
closet and shimmied into the empty "Thursday" clothes space just as
my front door opened all the way. Through the doorframe crack I saw Dr.
Schiavo, wearing latex gloves, enter my apartment. He stooped down, touched
Centauri's mouth, and then brought the tip of his finger to his own nose. He
sniffed, and then winced. The doctor
wheezed as he stood up, and steadied his pear-shaped body by leaning against
the doorframe. Sweat dripped down and over his chubby cheeks. His eyes scanned
the apartment and he took a step forward. The floorboards groaned with each
step. My heart, already racing like a thoroughbred on the last furlong, almost
sprang out of my chest when, suddenly, the doctor began to ring. Dr. Schiavo
reached into his pocket and pulled out his cellular. "Hello. I
dunno. The cat ate one, that's for sure." The words were rushed, his voice
-- hushed. More back and
forth banter, but I couldn't hear anything specific, like grownups talking on
the Peanuts cartoons -- which I religiously watched every Halloween,
Thanksgiving, and Christmas. "I was
just about to. Listen, it's not my fault he wasn't inoculated," Dr.
Schiavo said. More Charlie
Brown talk on the other end, but much louder, much angrier. "I'm a
doctor for Christ's sake! Yes, I was trained. Yes, I know the repercussions.
All right," Dr. Schiavo stammered. He flipped the
phone closed, put it back in his jacket and replaced it with -- a gun. No, not
a "kill you" gun; it was a tranquilizer gun: "Get Info and Kill
You Later Gun." I clutched and
massaged my chest, trying to calm my heart. I shut my eyes and they were there.
The spots had gathered toward the left. Some had changed color, like glass
marbles with green and brown filler. I opened my eyes and focused to the left:
the bathroom window. As I gathered
my courage to run, the floor cried out right next to me. I risked a look
through the crack and saw Dr. Schiavo, inches away, staring right at me.
"Hey, what are you doing?" a croney voice called from the hallway.
Good old Mrs. Epstein. For once I was glad for nosy neighbors. As Dr. Schiavo
turned toward her I bolted from the closet to the bathroom and shoved the
screen up. I dove out the window, thanking God I opted for the convenience of
not taking an elevator over having a great view; the second floor never seemed
as sweet as I landed on the slick grass below. Without looking
back I ran all the way to the train station, a good mile away. The sun was
setting on a partly cloudy night and a gentle breeze cooled my sweaty skin as I
reached the entrance to the F train. I concentrated on the setting sun as the
spots coalesced at the bottom of my eye. This was crazy.
What were these things? How could they be directing me? Do I trust them? A police siren
blasted away my thoughts. Around my hood, that wasn't unusual, but I didn't
want to take any chances. Okay, uptown or downtown, I thought as I zipped
through the subway turnstile. I concentrated on the fluorescent lights above
and my friendly neighborhood spots had formed an outline of a down arrow. I hopped on the
downtown train and grabbed a seat -- next to a drunken old man but a seat
nonetheless. What was happening to me? What were these spots dancing around in
my field of vision -- like they were jonesing for crack -- giving me directions
to where? I checked my watch -- habit; I should be at home, sitting in front of
the television -- Must See TV -- with a bag of chips in my lap. The train
stopped at 42nd Street and an overworked, overweight, and underpaid
train operator waved his flashlight back and forth along the supersaturated
platform. Grand Central: I lived in New York City for fifteen years and my
routine never allowed me to get off here. One of the operator's flashlight
swipes caught my field of vision and the spots danced like crazy. It was like I
had 3D glasses on and they were pointing away from me. I jumped out of the
train right before the doors closed. I walked out of
the train station and cursed the sleeping sun. I wanted to keep moving but
became bottlenecked at a gathering crowd huddled outside one of those
electronic stores with no real name -- anyone from New York knows what I'm
talking about; they dot every corner around midtown. All the televisions
displayed in the window were tuned to the same channel. I tried to get closer
when a stabbing head pain stopped me dead. I caressed my temples, and though
the pain remained, my head throbbed less. I tried to push through the crowd but
in the end I just jumped up and down, managing to catch the gist of the
"breaking news." "To
repeat, if you have seen this man, do not approach him. He is a wanted
criminal, armed and dangerous. If you have any information, please call . .
." I'd seen
enough. "Fair and Balanced Reporting" my behind. They had
gotten hold of my tenth grade class picture: acne and all. I donned my hood and
before I turned away, the spots "told" me to go left. I began
walking, running actually, and the headache subsided. If things
hadn't gotten weird before, they were certainly number eleven on the
weirdometer scale now. Wanted criminal? Who were they kidding? I even
overpaid my taxes every year. Police sirens
woo-wooed closer and closer. Had the whole NYPD taken up the manhunt? I got off
Lexington Avenue and walked down a side street. I stood underneath a lamppost
to see what my "friends" had to say. They were all I had right
now. They led me
left, then right, then a little further downtown. Suddenly, they disappeared as
my eyes focused on a building across the street. It was smaller than the
surrounding buildings: a dilapidated once white structure held together by the
pressing of the buildings on either side rather than any foundation or cracking
mortar between the bricks. Red and blue
lights flashed on the street and I turned as a cop car sped by. Well, it wasn't
like I had a choice. I ran across the street, up the steps, and scanned the
directory of nine apartments. Which one? A car crawled by with its high beams
on and for a moment my friends were there again. That's all I needed. I buzzed
number two, no name. Sirens, though
a few streets away, screamed in my ears, then dissipated -- only to be replaced
by a slow yet deliberate squealing . . . much, much closer. An old woman
pushing an uneven cart up the sidewalk stopped in front of the building. The
migraines punished me again, the pain shoving its way to the side of my head,
like a tumor looking for a place to set down for the night. I squinted at
the old woman. She dipped her head into her matted coat and spittle bubbled on
her collar as she spoke in hushed tones. "Eh?"
the intercom asked. My attention
diverted back to the building and I said, "Um, Sir. You don't know me, but
--" "You can
see," is all he said. Before I could answer, the intercom buzzed and I
opened the door. I took one last look behind and shuddered; the old woman and
her "magical listening coat" had gone. The second
floor hallway was dimly lit so my friends couldn't help me at the moment.
Strangely, I didn't feel scared. Pulsing amber light escaped into the hallway
from an open door. The light bathed the otherwise dingy passageway; and every
pulse warmed my body and aroused my senses. I entered the
light. My first
impression: Feng Shui mixed with minimalism. A futon lay in the corner of the
room, a chair next to it, and a bookcase, brimming with old tomes (thick and
hardcover with tiny bumps on the binders) set against the wall. However, I only
glanced at these "possessions"; it was the light that entranced me.
The illumination emanated from behind the bookcase, seeping out the sides and
top, enveloping the entire room. With each bright pulse the spots throbbed, as
if they were nearing a climax. They vibrated and danced, preparing to do
something -- extraordinary. One of the
spots in my field of vision expanded, like a balloon filling with helium. The
outer edges vibrated and with each throb, the other spots moved, or were pushed
away, out of my sight. I reached out into my field of vision and felt
resistance. I focused and saw . . . him. "Ah!"
I screamed. "Sorry for
scaring you, young man. I had to be sure," he solemnly said. Dark Ray
Charles shades covered his eyes, but through his rough skin, I sensed a
kindness marred by a difficult and tragic life. Bald, skinny, and haggard, he
was propped up on a silver cane, his entire being focused on me. "It's been
some time. It does my heart good to see this world isn't closed," he said.
I found myself
mouthing words, but I honestly don't remember what I said. The only thing I
remember was him breaking down, shivering and crying. He fell against me. I pulled
myself together and held him. "Take it easy there," I said as I
patted his back. The old man
recovered and said, "I take it those sirens are for you?" I nodded as
he caned his way to his seat. I helped him sit down in his chair and did the
same on the floor in front of the bookcase. I passed my fingers down the binder
of a thick book, and then once again gazed at the stranger's obsidian glasses.
I was the deer and the headlights were coming towards me. The spot now circled
in a furious frenzy. He said,
"The light. Nothing spectacular, just a test they left for me. It makes it
easier for the transition. I knew you were coming. It had been dark for so long
and then the pulsing returned. The light breathed once again. They say
there may come a time when the test won't be needed; there will be someone to
help with the transition, someone to go to them instead of them coming
here." His head turned to the bookcase. "Have you figured it out
yet?" His voice trailed off. I shook my
head. The spots
spiraled with a fierce passion. The old man slammed his cane into the ground
and said, "We haven't much time. They are getting closer, and they will
like nothing better than to stop us." "Stop
what?" "Just
listen, Drew." "How do
you know my name?" "Knowledge
is timeless. That is the first thing you must learn. If you've made it this
far, then they believe in you. They trust you and that's good enough for me. I
am getting old." As if on queue, he coughed, one of those death rattles.
Instinctively, I got up to get some water but he waved me down with his cane. "Don't
make the same mistake I did. I never got to see it for myself. I feared the
unknown. I had my life, had my job, my Lydia and Danny. And even when they were
taken from me, I wanted to stay." He paused. "They called me and I
wanted to stay. They gave me another chance and, still, I chose to stay."
Another pause, perhaps waiting for the words to sink in, like I was drowning in
quicksand and could grab the rope -- life, or stasis, do nothing, go limp . . .
"Don't you see? Habit has become our prison. How many of us go out of our
way to do something different each day? Once we get into a habit, that is where
we remain. But there is more, much more. Where we are, who we are. The
void." His voice cracked. The lights grew
dimmer and the spots diminished, as if they were feeling his pain. "They
called upon me one last time and I refused. Whether I was punishing myself or
still a slave I don't know. Fear, it could have been fear." He slowly
nodded. "But I devoted what life I had left to helping others find the
way. It has been so long since someone has come. They have succeeded in
suppressing the knowledge, our natural born abilities. But I feel something in
you. You're stronger than the others." I was hearing
his words but my eyes were drooping, the pulsing hypnotized me. Knowledge is
timeless. Habit. The Void. Spots. Sirens. I opened my
eyes to red, like someone had sliced open the amber light spilling its blood
across every inch of the room. Red, then blue, then more sirens. Footsteps -- a
million of them from the sound of it -- pounded outside. I rose up, the
migraines now worse. Explosion! The
door burst open, smoke and splinters poured into the room. I coughed and tried
to see through tear-stained eyes. "Schiavo," the old man said turning
up his nose. "I thought that was your stench I smelled." "Ah,
Nicholas. I should have known," Dr. Schiavo said, advancing through the
smoke while reaching into his pocket. "Damn you,
Schiavo. You took my wife and son from me. You should not have come here." There they were
again; the spots grew and began to change color. They turned a feint
bluish-green and solidified. At first it interfered with my sight, but when I
saw movement from Dr. Schiavo's pocket, they all coalesced into one: a three
dimensional circle with brown, green, and blue -- a deep, ocean blue . . . and
then I knew. I grabbed the
old man but he pulled away. "No, Drew," he said roughly. "I must
finish this," and he took off his glasses. The shock of seeing hollow eye
sockets forced bile up my throat. The spot disappeared momentarily. Dr. Schiavo
made a tsking noise and said, "Nicholas, you know it was for the best.
Those who see can't be allowed to see." "What is
it that this world is afraid of? There is so much more to see, to
do," Nicholas said. "Come,
Nicholas, we both know if people were given a choice, this world would be
empty. There is too much at stake." Schiavo sighed. His body slumped and
his face sagged, as if his words weighed him down. "The powers that be
will not let that happen. They cannot, will not lose what they have attained.
It is a delicate balance, and they will not give it up." "You speak
of 'they'!" Nicholas spat. "Aren't you included in that group? Who
are you fooling Markus? What have you gotten out of it?" Nicholas
stood on his own now, as if his words balanced him, uplifted him. "I'll
admit I was seduced. My family. My status. I can't give up what I have. It is
who I am." Schiavo's words confirmed his mission and he raised the
tranquilizer gun. Nicholas
screamed as he dove towards Schiavo's voice. I tried to grab hold of the old
man but he had found some inner strength; maybe it was held in check from the
death of his wife and son and now facing the cause of that death forced a
hidden power to erupt. His body slammed into Schiavo and the tranquilizer gun
fell from the doctor's hands. The cops heard the commotion outside and rushed
in. I hesitated and
then motioned toward Nicholas. He stared at me with his hollow eyes and said,
"Nay, Drew. Go, learn all you can. Tell them there are still others here.
Too long this world has been suffering. Too long have we waited for someone
like you. Don't make the same mistake I did. Take my place and free this
world." Something in me
snapped and I wanted to help Nicholas but the throng of police officers formed
a barrier between us. The spot slammed into my field of vision and focused on
me. "No, he's
going to go!" Schiavo screamed. "Stop him!" I let myself go
limp and allowed the spot to take over. I heard gunshots and reached out to the
white, then blue, past the green; I smelled pine, wet leaves, and welcomed the
cool breeze as I entered the unknown and left my old habits behind, yet knowing
I would return to free others, to break them from their habits if they were
willing to experience the splendor of the universe. I was now a
Floater.