Please Help Support CTTA By
Checking Out Our Sponsers Products
PETA is really going to
like this one!!!!! By When animals began speaking it
sounded the death knell for the meat industry. Well not entirely. The things
that fly or cluck didn’t seem to change, only the critters that walked on land
and had no wings. Unless you included dolphins, and whales but they didn’t
really count because people had always suspected they were just pulling our
leg. Of course talking animals had an
unsettling effect on people. The first few months of cognizant critters was
probably as devastating to the human psyche as when humankind became aware of
the inevitability of death. My own first “speaking contact” as I refer to it
now, was when my dog told me he wanted a new name. Before that I’d mistakenly
believed I was one of the few sane people left in America or at least in the
small city I lived in. People everywhere had been talking with wide eyed
disbelief about Billy Spencer’s pig asking for more food or Jenny Grables’ cat
calling her boyfriend an asshole. I hadn’t heard anything unusual so I just
thought everyone was going crazy. Since most folks seemed to have gone off the deep end, I spent
most of my time trying to find a way to get out of town. I figured a new job
someplace where everyone wasn’t taking LSD might be a good move. Then my Blue
Heeler started yapping at me about his moniker. It had begun innocuously enough.
I was carrying my trash out to the curb when I heard a voice behind me say,
“Hold on Jim, we need to talk.” I turned to around but all I
could see was my dog, Ludicrous. He was sitting by my front door, his tail
wagging with a big smile on his face. Which was weird because Ludicrous never
smiled; he just sort of pulled his lips up off his teeth for a dog grin. I put
the trash down and walked back over to him as he stepped off the porch. I sat
down on my haunches and began to stroke his ears. “Hey boy?” I said while I looked
around for the person who’d called my name. “He’s right here sparky,”
Ludicrous said. I guess it was a good thing I’d
already been so close to the ground. I didn’t pass out completely, but I went
down like a two dollar hooker. I could still see Ludicrous through a semi
conscious haze. He had lost his grin and looked very concerned. “Sorry about that Jim,”
Ludicrous said, “It’s always weird the first time, but you get used to it.” I was
lying there looking up at my dog, my mind whirl-pooling and a horrible feeling
in my stomach. I knew I must have eaten something really bad to be imagining
this. Then I heard another voice that I recognized as my neighbor Sam Reynolds. “Freakin’
weird isn’t it?” I turned
my head to look at him. He was standing on the sidewalk in front of my house
holding a bottle of something in his left hand and a gun in his right. He was
leaning a bit to the side with the bottle and was unsteady on his feet. I said
the first words that came into my mind. “Don’t
shoot my dog Sam.” Then I
reluctantly looked back towards Ludicrous wondering what he’d turn into now,
but he was still a dog and he looked relieved. For me or because I’d told Sam
not to shoot him I hadn’t been sure. “Yeah,
don’t shoot me Sam.” Ludicrous “Shut
the fuck up!” Sam yelped and pointed his gun while taking a swig off the
bottle. “Take it
easy dude, it’s just my dog.” I croaked. “Tell
him to shut up!” Ludicrous
didn’t say anything more. He sat down and put his head on my stomach, while
wagging his tail. This seemed to pacify Sam. “Well
alright then.” He “I’m going to go home and finish
this scotch, then I’m going to go buy some more. Bye Jim.” He
turned away and walked down the sidewalk towards his house. He was exercising
more control over his legs than I would have expected. Ludicrous and I watched
him until he reached his front porch. He turned back and I waved from where I
was still lying on the ground. Ludicrous just wagged his tail a little harder. After
Jim went inside his house I sat up and asked my dog, “What the hell is going
on?” “Hey,
this is as weird for me as it is for you.” “No, it
isn’t.” “What
happened?” “I don’t know!” “Someone must know. There has to
be a cause for this.” “Any theories?” “Jim, we’re animals who just started talking, we haven’t started
theorizing yet. I can tell you this, we all agree on two things; know one knows
how we got like this, and self awareness is overrated.” “I can definitely sympathize.” “You people need to remember, no
matter how freaked you are, we’re freaked even worse. And we’ve got a lot less
history to refer to about this sort of thing. Hell, we have no fuckin’ history
with this sort of thing!” “Where’d
you learn to cuss so much?” “So I
had an effect on your speech.” “We’re
guessing that any speech or awareness we have is in direct correlation to our
own abilities, whatever they are, and the human noises we were or have been
exposed to.” “Hey!
You’re theorizing.” “I’m
grasping at straws.” “I guess
it’s a good thing for you I’m a college grad.” “And
Amos is not.” “No, it’s got a nice ring to
it.” “Amos what?” “What do
you mean ‘Amos what?’” “You
have to have a last name, if you’re gonna be taken seriously you gotta have a
last name.” “I’ll
use yours” “Ok,
Amos Wilson, I’m Jim, nice to meet you.” That was the start of my
friendship with my dog. It was also the start of the “weird years,” as the
2010’s were called. After animals started speaking
it became obvious they’d attained some sort of sentience beyond what they’d had
before. That’s when the moral dilemmas began. It was difficult for most people
to eat something that queried you as to why you were killing it. Instead of
PETA or militant vegetarians protesting or picketing food stores, animals began
congregating outside eating establishments and asking folks how they’d feel if
their little one was considered extra tasty. Humans who continued eating
cattle and pigs did so in secret because it was considered grotesque but more
importantly, because it was against the law. This lead to a rash of pignappings
and cattle rustling, which in turn caused the formation of the Non-Homosapien
Violent Crimes Division, or the NHVCD, jokingly referred to as “Scotland
Barnyard.” Chicken farmers still made a
killing, and seafood floated off the shelves, as they were the only game in
town. The bean and corn market rocked, whole proteins and all that. Amos tried not to think about
those things, he just wanted to forget about his new found abilities and eat
and sleep. Unfortunately he couldn’t. He’d also acquired those two most
wondrous of human traits; curiosity and anxiety. Another change Amos and the
other animals had to confront was their own carnivorous appetites, confounded
by a new sense of guilt. It had always been sad to watch a cat play around with
a mouse before killing it. Now there was the additional horror of hearing the
mouse plea for its life while it was being batted about in the air. Cats found
that with their new found abilities, it was horrific to them as well. After
awhile the animals who could speak stopped taking each other’s life, which was
nice, because the sounds emanating from the woods at night had become
increasingly hard to bear. This added to the burden for
humans, animals had to get their food from somewhere, and everyone was getting
tired of eating chicken. People needed to grow more food, both for themselves
and the animals. More had to come from the oceans and be transported overland.
The drain on Earth’s transport systems, seas and plant life was immense at
first. Better methods of growing things, an increase in fish farms, and taking
better care of the Earth’s large bodies of water helped to alleviate that
problem. Whales and dolphins were helpful
in with the oceanic endeavors. Not because they wanted to. They tried to have
as little with land creatures as they could. They helped us because otherwise
we’d screw it up so badly they’d have to grow legs. Humankind had to make a lot of adjustments to the new world order.
Their treatment of animals and attitude towards eating meat was only the first
big change. Now people had to support the new class of ‘welfare beasts’. There
was a great hue and cry about the “Damn pigs on the dole,” and “Those lazy ass
cattle that just sat around and farted all day!” It helped that the population of
farm animals began to decline. There was no need for so many. The phrase,
“Animal Contraception” made its way into the dictionary, and strangely enough,
the church never had a problem with it. Sheep were still populous because,
whether they could talk or not, wool was needed. The “genus Ovis” received some
nice amenities for their wool, and a lot of the other animals were envious.
Except for dogs, but they’d always had it made anyway. They only had to learn
not to chase cats, which was easy enough because dogs are naturally lazy. As Amos liked to say, “Hell,
it’s just one more thing that we don’t have to do!” I had to start behaving myself
around Amos. I had asked him once whether he remembered much about his two
non-talking years. Had it been weird being my dog? He’d been quiet for a
moment, gave me a sheepish look, and then told me he didn’t like to think about
it. People in general had to take
more care in their actions. Now there were more beings to be aware of and
accountable to. People stopped doing a lot of things around animals. They
stopped having sex in front of their ex-pets and in front of their felines in
particular. Cats always whispered while they watched people making love. Humans gradually came to accept
critters in all the social aspects of our lives. Some were smart, some weren’t.
Some were great “party animals,” to use a phrase groaned at across the planet.
Some weren’t any fun at all, especially after a few drinks. Oddly enough, Apes
and Chimpanzees were the dullest of animals. They could talk but everyone had a
hard time understanding them. It became a common practice to hire Apes and
Chimps as Barkers and Security personnel. Circus owners had to start
paying their animals. Surprisingly there were still a lot of creatures who
wanted to work in the entertainment industry. Non-human entertainment became a
huge part of Hollywood, and one couldn’t forget the new and immensely popular
animal porn industry. Catering to animals became a
huge industry. It was profitable because of our guilt at having eaten or
enslaved their ancestors. Government subsidies made taking care of non-human
needs a big money business. Fake mouse meat ranked as high in consumption as
veggie burgers. Then there were the newly defined products. Joey’s Cow Patties
and Greta’s Sheep Dip became recognized brand names. Animal chefs had their own
shows. This created a market for the ‘assistant host.’ The non-human main host
would chat, talk gossip, and recite the recipe while the man or woman assistant
with opposable thumbs would mix everything up. Soon all animals were demanding
the government make it possible for them to whip up a home made Cud Soufflé or
Whipped Grass Tart. This led to the creation of the Bureau of Kitchen
Assistance for the Manually Challenged. Publishing houses were founded based
entirely on cookbooks full of new recipes for animals. New delicacies such as
oat cakes, the chef’s slop of the day, and salt lick soup replaced pork chops,
steak and veal on menus across the planet. Restaurant chains with names like
The Food Trough, Sally’s Flop and Slop, and O’Grady’s Grain Bag became as
ubiquitous as hamburger joints used to be. The consumption of alcoholic
beverages rose to an all time high amongst humans. There were problems of course not because of any friction between
the species, humans and animals got along very well. Amos and I were great
friends. We did everything together. Hell, we’d been doing that anyway. As for
everyone else in general, our four legged friends were eager to learn as much
as they could from us. They were new to this talking and thinking long term
thing and people liked animals for the most part. Most of the real issues were
between the animals themselves. In time the natures new sentient
citizens started breaking into groups, but not the way people expected. Animals
didn’t section themselves off according to whether they were mammalian rodents,
or reptiles. Probably because the world’s critters felt a draw to the
simplicity of their pre-sentient existence they chose the two tier system:
carnivores and herbivores. Soon the two groups were at
odds. The predators or ex-predators felt that regardless of their new way of
life, they were still entitled to some deference. The herbivores begged to
differ and all manner of problems ensued. The reality was animals simply had
too much time on their hands. In short, they needed jobs. Apes, Chimpanzees and
some circus animals already had gainful employment, but what about the rest of
nature’s citizens? The answer was prosthetics. With
the right artificial limb, a buffalo or a rat could perform any task. The
prosthetics industry became the largest industry in history. Some people and
animals saw the writing on the wall, bought stock in the early days, and became
richer than anyone could ever have imagined. The job market boomed and there
was no such thing as unemployment. People and animals were hired as consultants
for companies vying to be the next cutting edge ‘Paw Fitter,” as the common
term for such occupations became. Some of our furry friends didn’t
jump on the band wagon. They tried to be as carefree as they could and “go back
to the lap,” as the saying went. My buddy Amos was fitted with a small hand so
he could use a pencil and a can opener but other than that he just didn’t care.
All he wanted to do was chill and go to animal sporting events. The prosthetics industry had
created some filthy rich people and animals. Wealthy people did what they
always did with money, good or bad. Rich animals begot the next hot craze:
animal sports teams. At first they had names like ‘The Memphis Zebra’s” or “The
Sahara Camels” but after awhile they started naming themselves after household
appliances. Human beings could never
figure out why. It was an animal thing. Animal sports became as popular to watch
as most homo-sapiens sports because they were a lot more physical. In 2015, Amos brought me to watch
the elephants of the Angolan Food Processors lose to the rhinoceros’s of the
Rhodesian Clap-On-Clap-Offerino’s in the Ultra-Super-Extra-Special-Heavy-Weight
class soccer Championships. That same year, the Memphis Microwaves, a team of
angry Badgers, lost to the Sacramento Toasters, a bunch of pissed off
Wolverines, in the first Entering another Animals Burrow World Series. Animals began integrating into
other realms of entertainment as well. My buddy Amos became a successful
cartoonist. He’d started drawing caricatures of other animals shortly after
being fitted with his first pen-paw. Everyone in the neighborhood asked for
one, and then he started penciling drawings of political figures and adding
commentary. The next thing I knew, instead of me taking care of him, he was
taking care of me. Then the first wave of animal
novelists appeared on the scene. The first great animal author or crithor as
they came to be called was a Bobcat from the southwestern United States. His
real name was Brown Robert but his nom de plume was “Spot.” It was his gentle
way of poking fun at human-kind’s unimaginative naming practices during
pre-animal emancipation times. He wrote the now famous novel, “What the Hell?”
It was a fictional, comedic look at what happens the first time a group of
newly speaking animal’s experience mercury in retrograde. Soon non homo-sapiens
were writing works in all genres, except Science Fiction. Sci-Fi remained a
human specialty. People attributed this to the human need to escape the very
weird by reading about the merely somewhat weird. The Emmy’s, Oscars, and MTV took
on a surreal appearance. The Music Awards had a Best Bleat category and Rex the
Dingo Dog had a number one hit with “Barking at the Neighbor’s Cat,” a sad song
about two star crossed lovers. Another thing: Amos lived to be
forty. For whatever reason the ability to talk added years to the lives of
normally short lived creatures. It was a wild and wonderful
world, but despite the fact everyone was getting along, it was too strange for
some people. There was a mass movement to colonize Mars and make it habitable.
The space program got a lot of the money that was suddenly floating around.
Twenty-five years after the first documented case of an animal speaking, the
same year I retired, people were growing food on Mars. Ironically, once humanity had
learned to create an atmosphere, life on Mars was less odd than life on Earth.
It was a clean, calm place filled only with people, dogs and a few cats because
most of the other animals were reluctant to leave Earth. Except for vacationers
from Earth, people and their ages old domestic friends had the place to
themselves. Eventually the tourist trade between Earth and Mars rivaled even
that of the exodus from New Jersey to Miami with the bonus of not including
Jets fans. When I got into my eighties, the
same year the Mars Olympus Mons’ lost to the Yankees in the inaugural
interplanetary World Series, Amos’s son Fido put me in a home. I remember
making some comments about it being too bad I hadn’t had Amos neutered when I
had the chance. There was no more war or poverty
and the solar system was full of possibilities. Earth and Mars were prospering
and Terrankind was poised to advance further into space. Until the Vegetable People of
Antares arrived to free their brethren. The
End
The Language of Life
Jeff Poole
He said with a
smile.He took another
swig off his bottle.
“A week or so ago all I cared
about was dog food and that poodle down the street. Now I wake up thinking
about existence, my future and my short life span. Trust me, it’s weird.”
“Well know one seems to know
what it is. I’ve asked every other animal I know, and it’s always the same
thing, we just woke up one day with awareness and a vocabulary.”
“That’s how you talk.”
“Right now I’m just grateful
you didn’t let Sam Reynolds shoot me. Oh yeah, and stop calling me Ludicrous. I
didn’t used to care, but that’s a stupid name. Start calling me Amos.”